SFF Song of the Week: Lilith Saintcrow

Here’s a brilliant, and hilarious song choice from Lilith Saintcrow, best-selling urban fantasy author, who is both prolific and inspired, and whose series protagonists include Jill Kismet and private necromance Dante Valentine.  (I LOVE Dante Valentine; I also, ahem, love the wonderful books Lilith writes about her.)

And Lilith Saintcrow writes:

I could sing Leslie Fish songs before I even know who Leslie Fish was. In those benighted days, while the Internet was in its dialup infancy and in any case hadn’t bothered to come knocking at the doors of suburbia, one of my friends who went to Renaissance faires gave me a mix tape. Not a CD, an actual magnetic tape, that had mostly Leslie Fish and some Andreas Vollenweider and some Echo’s Children. There was no track list, just the tape in a beat-up plastic case scrounged from the bottom of someone’s older sister’s car. I played that tape over and over again, fascinated that people were writing songs to go with fandom. I had no idea what fandom was, it was just such a revelation that other people loved these fictional worlds the way I did–and, in fact, loved them enough to write songs about them. I was utterly enchanted.

I can still remember–and sing along with–every song that was on that tape.

Cut to *mumblemumble* years later, to when the Internet has become a world-class library for fandom and I’ve got enough cash to pay for a high-speed connection. One day, I was humming Bones–the song Fish wrote about Dr. McCoy from Star Trek–and I thought, if I can remember the lyrics, I’ll bet the Internet can tell me more.

Famous last words, right?

The jolt of joy that went through me when I realized I could buy a CD with these songs I’d been carrying in my memory is probably only comparable to the unbelieving joy I felt when I realized Echo’s Children were singing in Elvish, dammit! Now I can see that my friend cherrypicked a few songs from a couple Fish albums, and that I can get to know much more of Fish’s body of work. It’s been like Christmas.

Still, those songs from the mix tape, lo those many years ago, stick in my head as my first love in filk. Bones. The Engineer’s Hymn. And perhaps one of the funniest filk party songs ever created: Banned From Argo.

Enjoy.

When we pulled into Argo Port in need of R & R
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar
We had high expectations of their hospitality
But found too late it wasn’t geared for spacers such as we

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore

Our captain’s tastes were simple but his methods were complex
We found him with five partners each of a different world and sex
The shorepolice were on the way — we had no second chance
We beamed him up in the nick of time in the remnants of his pants

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore.

Our engineer would yield to none in putting down the brew
He outdrank seven space marines and a demolition crew
The navigator didn’t win but he outdrank almost all
And now they’ve got a shuttlecraft on the roof of city hall

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore

Our proper cool first officer was drugged with something green
And hauled into an alley where he suffered things obscene
He sobered up in sickbay and he’s none the worse for wear
Except he somehow taught the bridge computer how to swear

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore

The head nurse disappeared a while in the major dope bazaar
Buying an odd green potion guaranteed to cause pon farr
She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart
And a painful way of walking with her feet a yard apart

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore

Our lady of communications won a ship-wide bet
By getting into the planet’s main communications net
Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen
The flesh is there but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore

Our doctor loves humanity; his private life is quiet
The shorepolice arrested him for inciting whores to riot
We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free
Intact except for hickeys and six kinds of VD

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore

Our helmsman loves exotic plants and the plants all love him too
He took some down on leave with him and he wondered what they’d do
The planetary governor called and swore upon his life
That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore

A gang of Klingons landed and nobody seemed to care
They stomped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there
Half our crew was busy therein and invited them to play
But the Klingons only looked at us and turned and ran away

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore

Our crew is Starfleet’s finest and our record is our pride
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide
We’re sorry ’bout the wreckage and the riots and the fuss
At least we’re sure that planet won’t be quick forgetting us

And we’re banned from Argo every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shoreleave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore

(Wonder why’)

Sharing and Bookmarking:

If you enjoyed this article, please consider bookmarking it or spreading the word via your favourite social media channel:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Reddit
  • Technorati
  • Tumblr
  • Posterous
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Keyword-Matched Posts:

Haven't found any related posts just yet... still searching...